Married and Lonely?

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Most people believe that marriage is the cure for loneliness, but I want to warn you: You began battling the dreaded foe of isolation as soon as you drove off on your honeymoon. I have gone to so many website telling people how to fix their relationship. Telltale signs of isolation Barbara and I have seen this death of hope occur in the marriage of some friends.

The passive aggressive gets what they need, the easing of their fear of rejection. I am growing tired of the arguing the fighting, the confused kids not knowing what side to take they use them in their pointless war against me. So, here I am up a 4:30 am, alone in my bed as usual. Good look mate, it's not much consolation but you're not totally alone.

Married and Lonely?

Being married offers no protection from the dangers of : Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62. In addition to the emotional anguish loneliness creates, it also has devastating effects on our mental and physical health. Loneliness depresses our immune system functioning, increasers inflammatory responses that put us at greater risk for cardiovascular disease, and can literally shorten our longevity. On the mental health front, loneliness puts us at risk for and and causes us to distort our perceptions such that we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships more negatively—which in turn, influences our behavior in damaging ways. How Loneliness Impacts Our Relationships Loneliness distorts how we see other people and makes us devalue our relationships. We perceive others as less caring, less interested, and less committed than they actually are, and we judge our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than they may really be. In an effort to protect ourselves from even further emotional hurt, we become hyper-alert to any signs of rejection from others and more apt to miss signs of acceptance. How Loneliness Operates in Marriages Although we might believe can insulate us from the ravages of loneliness, that is not the case. Loneliness is determined by the subjective quality of our relationships not their objective quantity, nor just by whether we happen to be living with a spouse. Loneliness in marriage often happens slowly, as the disconnection we feel from our spouse gradually increases over years. We also fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance—one person watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. In short, we lose the and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid. To improve the quality of our relationship, we have to strengthen these muscles. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate conversations that are not about transactional details. After the show, tell them what you appreciated about—even if it was terrible, find something! Practice taking their perspective. But research clearly indicates this is not so. For proven ways to combat loneliness for both single and married people , check out my new book, Plume 2014. My marriage went sexless 15 years ago after my last child was born. I found myself trapped in a celibate relationship because I wanted to live under the same roof as my kids. Trying to outsource my sexual needs has proved almost impossible as married men looking for sex are considered to be pond scum by women in clubs. I haven't had sex with anyone for over a decade and if I had to do it all over again I would NEVER have gotten married. My sex life when I was single was rich and varied and continuous. I, too, am in a sexless marriage which has evolved into a loveless marriage, characterized by loneliness. So, you stay for the security, the kids, the environment you have created for yourself that you don't want to walk away from, your religious convictions, etc. No kissing, no hugs, no romance, no love. I am a live in maintenance man to pay the bills and shut up. Have been sleeping alone for over 5 years. Made love to my wife less than 10 times in 20 years. Being a dire hard romantic, I have been going through hell! M 29 year old. Being alone destroying me. Husband busy in work office. Than office diners party 4 times in month. Than home with laptop mob work dealing customers all the time. Than 3 or 4 time in month to play PS4 to refresh his self he said. Daily 1 hour he play game in mob before sleep. Son olso have his own activities. M house wife stay at home enjoy doing dishes washing clothes vacuuming. I have no friends connection of school or college friends. Only have parents who are in different country talk with them some time. Bt m feeling some thing is ending in me. Husband go out for dinner with me 2 times in month. We talk bt most of the time if needed. When Ian talking he always busy with work or he answer most of the time yes ok all right. He replied me in short answers. When I text him he reply so late in 1 or two words. Bt in home he always have mob laptop in hand replying friends customer in sec talk so nicly. Even shop keepers girls or boys. He cracking jokes laughing with. They all say he is so funny. Answers a lot talk so much with shopkeepers but no words with me. If any day I m not feeling good sleep early whole mid night he play game with son cooking. That time no work no busy. He don't want me to go out alone or do job or studying start again. I think some thing getting finished in me frustration feeling low. Whenever I go out or meet his friend all say m beautiful. Bt he never appreciate when I dressed up or take new dye or dress. And if I asked how m looking he say yes beautiful. M not getting what was going on with me. Also, drinking a LOT! It helps at night when I am alone so I can get to sleep. I am not supposed to mix the two, but it knocks me out instead of lying there crying. Married for 15+ years to an alcoholic, Thankfully sober now. He was a mean drunk towards me and in turn I withdrew my affection. This was a vicious cycle that lasted for years, more he drank, more I pulled away. He was having a relationship with the bottle and in turn I ended up in an affair for 3 years. Although affair provided love, affection, an escape it just made me feel more lonely at home as I was always longing to be with the AP. Long story short, affair ended, I was devastated and I finally just couldn't conitinue on with how everything was so I confronted my husband with my affair and his drinking. He became sober after a life altering event and had to come to the realization he was an addict. He used alcohol to dull the pain, just like I was in an affair to escape the unhappiness at home. These descructive behaviors don't solve anything. Please do not resort to alcohol to cope, it is not the answer. My husband and I had to become real with each other about why our marriage was falling apart. He learned things at rehab and I at individual counseling. Things are better but we still have to work at it. I know it is NOT easy, turning to alcohol will just make you more depressed. If you haven't yet, try to have a real conversation with your wife about the state of your marriage. Join a club where you BOTH can meet knew people, exercise, get involved socially. If in the end it doesn't work and there is no hope, then you owe it to yourself to move on. Life is too short and precious. Thought it was just me. Well I tried all that but for her being friends in a sexless marriage is enough. Sometimes you can't afford to move out, you don't want to upset the family by being the bad guy all the time so you just suffer in silence. The loneliness eats at you and destroys you from the inside. I'm a really nice, fun bloke, decent looking and hard working but like you say if you try to do anything with a wedding ring on you're made to feel like scum. Good look mate, it's not much consolation but you're not totally alone. If you are lonely within marriage the solution according to Guy Wench is obvious, go crawl up the butt of your spouse. I'm sure your spouse will be thrilled with that solution. Go watch a TV show you don't want to watch with your spouse. How about forcing yourself and your spouse to watch that awful wedding video so you can look at your younger better-looking selves be a whole lot happier. You could leave that cocooned nest of a home where all your lonely misery takes place and make a new friend. Or develop a new hobby. Go to a meeting with, gasp, other people who aren't your spouse. Join the community organization. Nope, can't do that. Go bug your spouse, watch TV and eat more junk food. That's your sorry life. You can watch the rest of us have fun from your window. Why does being lonely within a marriage mean the problem or the solution is within the marriage itself? Perhaps the cause of loneliness has nothing to do with our partners and more to do with something lacking within ourselves. Which of course can only be resolved by us. Marriages are deepened and enlivened when two whole, fulfilled individuals come together and compliment each other, not when one individual relies on another to 'complete' them or becomes a crutch to take away their feelings of emptiness. I know men do this as well as most women but blame mostly women for this. As always being cruel to their single friends in 20's, commenting on weight issues, social, psychological, verbal, sexual and physical abuse is always at the center of any luxury home, job, love, and children. It's unfortunate that single people have to watch someone brag about their lives in the end they will be alone. I saw it in my 20's, 30's and 40's.... If stereotypes keep going we will all be alone. I would much rather think than have to listen to a woman yap or a man be cruel to me because he can't think for himself. If we are lazy about our physical health, it slowly loses its strength. If we are lazy with our dental health, our breath and teeth slowly rot. If we are lazy with our relationships health then we will no longer see the person we once did. The great news is that improving your relationship is as easy as brushing you teeth twice a day! First, just say or do one truthfully nice thing to your partner every morning and every night. Nothing big or unnatural, but make it sincere, and make it focused on what you know they like...... It is not the actual gift or the words you use that matter...... The message is: i do care, i am trying, i want you to feel good about us. After two weeks you will have planted 28 small seeds and you will start to see something amazing beginig to grow...... Anyone who can do 28 nice things in two weeks can look in the mirror and say. Even if your partner made zero deposits in two weeks, the deposits you have made are still a net improvement for you both 3 at the end of two weeks, even if your partner has not changed, you have. This simple exercise of two nice things each day will help you move to the next level of 4 nice things or 6 nice things until you find yourself making genuine compliments twice a day to everyone in your life. What ever you want to change in your life, it always comes back to step one..... I need to change myself first. I hope you can succeed as I did when I just started telling my partner something nice twice every day. Eventually she caught on and started doing the same and we didn't just see each other as prison mates..... I know you can do it if I can..... Marriage is a life long project that needs to be nurtured and reviewed. My husband and I are almost empty nesters now, he works out of town sometimes which make my home big, quiet and lonely. Cooking for 1 is no fun, and I'm scared that we are moving on different time tables. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the article by the Dr and the supportive ideas and comments of other posters. Your sarcasm and frustration with your own personal life is unfortunate. Take a page from Pollyanna book, who knows..... She might rub off on you. I tried all that for years. Brought her flowers every week, tried to do stuff we did when we were courting, tried something different in the sex life, read all the books, took all the advice. Sometimes you just grow up differently and one partner is content with a dull sexless life and is therefore getting what they need and the other wants a more dynamic relationship. It hurts badly every day and night and sometimes because of the circumstances you're in home life, religious upbringing, finances etc. I married my wife because of our fantastic sex life, her energy and all the fun we had but it's her choice to take that away and there's not a thing I can do about it. He didn't ever reach a point where he treated me differently though. When I would tell him how crazy I have been about him since before we married and how happy I was to see him I got nothing. After about six years of marriage our sex life began to change and he also started to pull away and began to lose interest in any physical contact. There were never a lot said by him as far as I love you or that type of thing. I knew he found me very sexy and attractive the first five years of our marriage but that slowly seemed to fade. I changed some over those earlier years but not to a great extent. I feel like he began to look at porn more and it was substitute for a sex life or intimacy with me. He gradually pulled further away and sex was very infrequent along with any other physical contact. We grew apart over the years and he isolated himself to a great extent. We had a great marriage for the first five years and I would have never thought it would start to change so early on. I tried to get him to talk to me about our problems over the years and find out if I was doing something to upset him or if I could do anything to make our relationship better. He just has never wanted to discuss anything. We went to a therapist once and he got mad at what he felt was the therapist accusing him of being the whole problem. He wasn't but my husband often thinks that about me too. He is very over sensitive about even the way I close the door and will tell me I slammed it because I was mad at him. I only closed the door and it had nothing to do with him. I had a severe accident 13 years ago and am now in pretty bad condition. That has only led to more problems and less attention and a feeling that he may have never loved me the way I do him. I finally gave up ever having sex again about a year ago after he told me he didn't want to have sex with me or be around me and I should look in the mirror if I wanted to know why. That was enough for me to give up. He has been so good to me in so many ways and to the kids. In every other way he is a great husband,father and Grampa. I would never leave but I am so lonely and starved for affection and sex. It's basically for Married and Flirting and Married and lonely people. I searched the web for places such as this and all I could find at first were forums wanting a membership fee and such. I finally came across this free forum and I have received a lot of support from the members there. It's not a pick up place. The members there are older and give lots of support. You all should check it out. I am 73 and my wife is 72 but hardly ever home as she has her own car and is always finding excuses to go out. My car hardly ever leaves the garage as I have no reason to use it. I do not feel that my future has any hopes for me but don't feel like ending it. I am totally lost. She wants a life and has given up on you sharing one with her so you have given her no choice but to go try to make one herself. Then you better start ACTING like you do. I mean what do you expect... Not only being lonely in my marriage , it's lonely being in a foreign country ,altho the Fench are very hospitable.. I do like the idea of watching a movie together etc etc.. This has been so informative reading all the comments and I feel I am not alone... I will email my husband with them but it will hit the trash can.. That I want his time and attention. Of course I've told him. I've sulked and cried about it. I've begged him, just spend 5 minutes with me. Ok, I get that he's tired, I get that he is a homebody, I get that he works hard and just wants to lay down when he gets home. But he's blowing it, no I won't stray, I'm a devoted wife, but he's got everything a man would want in a woman and he's just taking it all for granted. Like he's mad that I want to be friends with him. What he doesn't know is that when I am out by myself, I spend most of it driving around, crying my eyes out. In a way your wife also must be a bi-product of that awful war, and all the grief that came home and stayed. Do you have access to any social clubs that are Vet based that both you and your wife can join together? Even if you could devote only once a month date to get out from feeling so shut in. Continue to reach out to other web sites and conversation boards and ask for help. You need not be alone. In a way your wife also must be a bi-product of that awful war, and all the grief that came home and stayed. Do you have access to any social clubs that are Vet based that both you and your wife can join together? Even if you could devote only once a month date to get out from feeling so shut in. Continue to reach out to other web sites and conversation boards and ask for help. You need not be alone. Maybe just try going for a short walk each day outside. Try one small thing each day, or every other day. I'm glad your wife is able to have found a way to work through keeping lonliness at bay for herself during your time of trying to make peace with your own sadnesses. I wish you well. Thank you for doing your part. Sorry it hurt you. You will be alright. I work out daily and wish he took pride in appearance too. I even suggested he get help or see a dr. Divorce would be instant if not for having 2 young kids. I agree that it, and most of the suggestions here are appropriate. I don't know why the author chose to leave out making sure as an individual, to reach out in their respective community for friendship and belonging. The partner MAY want to do this as well. Unless, in the case of PTSD. That's a hard one. She is getting out sounds like... Also for the wife who is taking care of her weight and health issues. I get sad sometimes too. I have a nice home, nice things.... But, I don't have the kind of companionship that keeps loneliness within the marriage away. It does take two. Working on myself is very helpful, but not the end all. It takes connection that makes a difference. Other friends are fine. But still needing and wanting to be mindful of my marriage commitment of husband and home. Need I say more? We all can't be so flippant about just moving on. Especially when all is so heavily invested. So, I do feel it is the best to have outside interests away from our spouse to help keep us from depending on them to fullfill everything. Hopefully, with maturity and respect for the other, both will understand this and feel more fullfilled in their lives. And might have something to share with one another outside of the grocery list, or memos of when the utility bills are due... I think we are so disconnected. I have tried a couple ways of talking. May sound stupid but, writing in a notebook to be read by other. Didn't work , I wrote ,he didn't. Now e-mail, he does answer but It feels like he isn't interested. We made what I think was a huge mistake awhile back. I truly thought it might add some spice to what hasn't existed for years. It did for me a little but due to some problems the Viagra didn't fix things went downhill. I have suggested thigs I don't want to mention. We are back at square one. It seems everything in the social media world is more important than talking to me right here in front of her. This non-stop isolation and exclusion causes loneliness. Finding my own friends, hobbies, groups, meetings... But I will be more active with other people so I don't feel lonely. I fear I will be so much more happy I will want to leave her. U marry a person you love you trust and think life is so beautiful and suddenly everything changes.... A baby comes spouse neglects you, finds mistake in everything you do.. Things that you were doing together, topics that you were discussing together, things that you were laughing together, things you fight for.. No more interest your spouse... Should you waste time finding this or should you sacrifice because you have a small one who has so much to look forward to? If you think of your life you spoil your baby life.. You spoil your married life... It's just a suffering... I have been on disability for depression and anxiety for over 10 yrs. My husband has always been there for me but we hardly speak anymore. We have to go for a car ride to actually have meaningful conversations. We've always done that. It's helpful for us. I realized by reading your comments that my outlook is affecting him which in turn affects me. I am very negative about myself but warm and caring for others. He must be feeling the residual animosity I have for myself. He is probably lonely too. We need to have a talk. I find this outlook on love to be very true in my life. Maybe your spouse's needs in the relationship are being filled but yours are different than his and yours aren't. A lot of the times we think that what we want in a relationship is what the other wants, or our happiness with things must translate to theirs. Like this article's advice-- Some partners, like mine, would love their SO to sit with them while they watch a show and chat with them about meaningful things like politics or art. Other people, like me, would think this is nice but feel it doesn't make for a satisfying relationship. It seems cerebral and not physical enough for me. I prefer to hold hands or kiss more often, or just be together, turn off the TV, shut up and make love. Im learning what I like and what he likes and we're trying to work it out. It's amazing to me how one night of nice physical intimacy can take away months of my anger and loneliness. Maybe something could work for you-- gifts from him or chores done by him. Actually getting your husband to do whatever it is, is a different story. But try reading the book. We have a good strong loving relationship. Whenever we are home - we always have dinner together. No TV well sometimes - just to mix it up. Just my wife and talking. About everything and everything. We plan vacations together and enjoy the process and the actual vacation itself. We are active - will be heading north for snow-shoeing and XC skiing week in the wilderness. I will surprise my wife by buying tickets to a concert or play - and she is real excited when she finds out about the surprise - and is excited to attend - as am I. But I still feel lonely. The feelings are strong. I am not an athlete - so organized sports are out of the question. My only point is - loneliness is complicated. There is no guarantee after doing everything in this article - that your loneliness will disappear. So I no longer love my husband. I worked and worked and worked and I am still in the same place I was before. This advice may work for some but definitely not in every circumstance. I have gone to so many website telling people how to fix their relationship. Pity that everything that is suggested I have already done and this is the exact reason why I am in the mess I am in right now. For this crap to work, you first have to have someone that actually responds to it, otherwise there is no point!

For a marriage to succeed it requires intimacy, self-sacrifice and emotional investment on the part of both spouses. Especially when all is so heavily invested. He cracking jokes laughing with. I am a live in maintenance man to pay the bills and met up. I found myself trapped in a celibate relationship because I wanted to live under the same roof as my kids. I really really planned for a married and lonely group marriage, and companionship, but cannot sustain life like this anymore. Being bored and lonely is normal. If she custodes, then call the police. Couples will present a happy facade, keeping house and playing at marriage while real needs go unmet. It's just a suffering.